Did you find yourself yet? Has it happened? Are you finally who you've spent so long waiting to become? I, me. Defined, well rounded. Does your mother know? Where were you hiding? Was it in London? Was it in Hackney? Were you found during excess or abstinence? Early morning or late night? Drinking or drugging? Does your mother know? Have you told her yet? How many people did you go through before you found yourself this time? It's been a while. How many bodies have you hidden away in? Will you go back again, now that you've finally found yourself? Now that you’re in your truest, most authentic form? Will you show them? Hasn't been easy, has it? Hasn't been fun or games.

Were you in a nice cup of tea maybe? In all the small things perhaps? Grounded, present. I, me. Did you actually find yourself in the moment? Is that really where you were? Or was it somewhere else? Somewhere different. Did you look into the silver glint of the kettle's curves one morning, and distorted and tired, there you were. Finally, the person you'd been looking for all along. Making tea in the morning and throwing away the bag. Just a bit of milk. Just how you like it. Or was it not that? Was it nothing even close to that?

Was it in the bathroom stall by any chance? In the photography studio? In the gallery? Making small talk with a member of staff in the vitamin shop? Was it down the pub? Up the country? Hiding away by the little stream that we all used to go to. The one in France. The one with all the skipping stones. Do you even know the place I'm talking about? Did you feel a sense of calm when you went back there? Or did you feel nothing? Find nothing. Have you just forgotten? 

Does it all suddenly feel much more real than it ever has? Well does it? Are you happy yet? You've spent a lot of money, most of it other peoples. But you've found yourself, so why dwell. It's all about staying present isn't it? Anchoring yourself. Breath work. Moving forward and pushing on. Is it working? What happened to your friends from back home? Why won't you show them who you've found? Why are you always worried? Does your mother know? Did you call her? What did you need? Has she stopped worrying now that you've found yourself? You'd hope so wouldn't you? Because it hasn't been easy. No it has not. 

You must have been tricky to find. With all that searching searching searching you did? How did you know where to look? Was there a map to yourself hidden in a really good article in the guardian? Or was it in the new yorker, between a paywall and the word games? Have you been reading much? Be honest. You always have to be honest. Are you angry? Are you still bitchy? Now that you're older. Are you? Or did that leave when you found yourself? Disappointing isn't it. Again and again and again. Was it like Christmas? Like your birthday? Did you get what you really really wanted? Be honest. Were you who you hoped to be? Cool charisma. Well respected. One foot on the property ladder the other still getting down and dirty at the disco. Hip and happening with all the bells and whistles. Well traveled. Maybe that's where it happened. Experiencing other cultures. Definitely didn't find yourself in India, no, that's far too 90s for you. Coulda been Japan though, or Thailand or Morocco. Coulda been Italy, they just live so slow there and you could really see yourself embracing that. In your mind you've already bought the vespa. The pinterest account already littered with leathery proverbs on smoking pensioners. You see yourself in them. One in the same. You work so hard, all that creative directing, all those emails. You need a bit of the good life. You need some rest from the watching, grinding, tapping, waiting. 

Have you always been looking? Or did you have it at the start and then simply misplace it? Not lost, just stuffed in a drawer somewhere. Under the pile of clothes on the chair. On top of the wardrobe in an old suit case maybe. Or did you leave yourself at their house just for an excuse to go back? Bet you did. I bet it felt so good. Bet it wasn't there though. No, probably not. Shame isn't it. Oh well. You've found yourself now, so no regrets allowed. All the pain you've caused has led you here. All your hardship has brought you home. Now you're found. You're yourself, truly, madly, deeply, and for the first time. Chop chop chop. Again and again and again. A well respected industry leader. Finally your own person. Business owner and community member. More than where you came from and in love with it all. Heart of gold. I, me. Growth, excess. Too many leftovers from the last resurrection. Too much too early. Getting away with it and feeling nothing. Caring, not caring. It can't go on like this, never yield to definition. Let yourself down and throw yourself away. It won't continue. It won't hurt. Never tell your mother. Again and again and again.